Finding Home

So, I'll turn fifty in January.  Never thought I’d openly admit that to anyone.  I certainly don’t act my age and likely never will.  But the truth is, I’m actually looking forward to it (turning fifty, not acting my age).  The celebratory trip to Scotland next summer might have something to do with that.  But it’s not just the trip – I have a new mindset now to go with this next chapter.  I intend to live the next phase of my life the way less traveled, in that, doing the unexpected and not only embracing - but instigating - change.  I am reinventing myself.  I even have my first tattoo finally picked out to commemorate this milestone (sort of, it’s down to two and yes, it will be a skull ;)  But more importantly, I am going to follow my restless heart.

I had an epiphany about a year and a half ago, driving along I-680 North under a full moon, with the windows down and Runrig blasting out of the speakers.  I saw myself standing at the edge of my final day on earth and as I looked back on my life I was asked “do you have any regrets?”  That’s a pretty telling question to ask yourself.  What regrets will haunt me after all my chances are gone?  I don’t regret anything that I’ve done, but there are things I regret not having done.  Most of those have to do with geography and ignoring a decades-long yearning in my heart.  It doesn’t even have anything to do with relationships; I’m okay with being single the rest of my life.  What I’m no longer okay with is standing still.  I felt alive with a sense of power that I could, at this stage in my life, set myself on a new course.  There was no reason why I couldn’t chase after my dreams and find the answers that have eluded me.  The only thing stopping me was me.  The core question to be answered – where would I finally feel settled?

Currently, I live in my hometown.  I was born here and with the exception of four years right after high school, have lived here my entire life.  Most of my family is here.  But does that make it home?  I think that if I have a restlessness in my heart and a yearning to be someplace else, even if I don’t know where that someplace is, then I’m not ‘home.’  And I’ve had that yearning since I was a teenager.  I always felt like I was just living here, but I never felt truly connected.  Now that my kids are older and I will be an ‘empty-nester’ within the next couple years, change is on the horizon.  It will most definitely consist of relocating, quitting my job of twenty years and starting over someplace else.  Scary thought, but the thought of staying here in the same town the rest of my life is scarier.  It’s just not me.  Someplace is calling me, and I’m going to figure out where and chase that dream to my satisfaction.  I don’t know where I’ll end up, but it’s going to be someplace that speaks to my soul.

I think that following the road less traveled is going to lead me home.

© Dahlia Ramone, April 22, 2015

Runrig – May Morning Lyrics

I'm alive again on a Maymorning
Going to wipe the slate clean
Follow my dreams
All the yearning buds are here again
With the promise of a new life to come
Spring is here again

The sun is melting over the hills
All our roads are waiting
To be revealed
For this day in history has brought us to here
Now it's all there for the taking
The day is what you see

The light's returning, the work is in hand
All the cynics have vanished
From where we stand
All the chances wasted are drawing me near
And all around there's new life rising
From the winter fields

I'm alive again
I'm alive again

*** 

This was written for Blogophilia Week 9.8 

Topic:  The Way Less Traveled

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2 pts)  Incorporate a line from the movie "Steel Magnolias" (I did not)

(Easy, 1 pt) Include a full moon somewhere in your write